We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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