my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
