my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
