get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
FUCK WHALES
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