i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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