Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
