We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
