my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
