You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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