I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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