The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think people are normalizing furries
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
