I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
