I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
