I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
