I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
