4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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