Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012

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(510): View more from California

I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.

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(631): View more from New York

my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.

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