On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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