Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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