You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
