ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
