I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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