I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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