Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
