I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
