All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We're too hungover to prance.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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