did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
