chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize