I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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