Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
