Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
