My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
