Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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