it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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