Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
