9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
