This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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