she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
