I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
