I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
