my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
