We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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