i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
