She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
