Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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