and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
