I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think I just sharted jello shots
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
