Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize