walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's the barista slut.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
