I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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