hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
