dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
