i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
