She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i out mim tonsoeep
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