if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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