I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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