I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
