Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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