my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Terrible idea I love it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
