i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
