We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
