i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
