Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
