Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
two words...techno handjob
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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