the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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