Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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