fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
