He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
